Step 1: admitting the problem

I have a problem. It's something that I've been ignoring for a while but I really can't do that anymore. this morning, I opened my fridge and all that was in there was half a gallon of milk, condiments and a bag of salad. I've checked a couple of times since then and it hasn't changed. Now, for a normal person this wouldn't be a big deal. I could hop in the car, run to the grocery store-problem solved. But the thing is, this is exam weekend. I have my Cardio exam this Friday and I'm using this weekend to cram/catch up on everything I've been procrastinating on for the last 3 weeks. My in-laws have even been kind enough to take Ms. K. to the beach for the weekend which means I'm not feeling guilty, they're awesome like that. Have I mentioned how blessed I am?

Back to the situation at hand. Exam weekend means I can't leave the house unless its for very particular reason. This morning I woke up and went to my 8am pole fitness class. That wasn't an issue because 1. It forced me to start my day early. 2. there was a specific time limit. 3. It didn't require much thinking. The reason going to the grocery store is an issue is because I love cooking. I always have, growing up my mom and I kind of had an unspoken deal- I'd cook, she'd clean. I hate cleaning, and my mom was usually pretty beat at the end of the day (she's my inspiration), it was a win-win for everyone. This actually works well for when Y. is around because he hates cooking and doesn't mind cleaning.

So cooking has always been a process, I'd check out websites/magazines read recipe reviews to figure out changes and then generally make a huge mess resulting in a delicious dinner.  Being a "creative" cook also means that grocery store trips are never quick. What makes it worse is how easily I get distracted. Grocery shopping is one of my favorite things, I used to go in at midnight because it was empty and I'd just stroll and take my time.  I don't think I've ever gone into the grocery store and only gotten what I went in for.

I've tried writing lists but I'll usually forget to write something important down that I have to make a second trip for. So my current general "plan" consists of walking up and down all the aisles. This way I get to see everything and if I see something we needed it kind of triggers my memory. Sometimes, when I'm feeling ambitious, I'll try and think up of meals for the next couple days or week and focus on getting those ingredients. This generally doesn't work out because when its time to cook, I won't be in the mood for the things I'd planned on making or I just don't have the time for it.

Knowing all this about myself, I've been overwhelmed by even contemplating going to the store so I've just ignored the issue for the last couple of days. But I've finally hit the end of the road, all I've had today is coffee, a smoothie and a PB&J made with the very last two crust pieces. This is officially a problem, but I don't know what to do. I'm going to double check the fridge again and the deep freezer. Hopefully something comes up!

What I really need is a personal shopper and a chef who makes tasty but still healthy meals. It wouldn't hurt if they had an accent either, British or Italian preferentially.

S.

working out

Earlier today, I was talking to a friend about birthdays. She's about to hit 25 this November and I just turned 24 in July. There was a little bit of a revelation moment where we realized that we can’t accurately say we're in our early 20s anymore. It’s kind of funny how, when we’re younger, every birthday is such an anticipated event. This goes on until the final rite of passage into adulthood, the 21^st birthday. I remember being so excited to turn 21. This was going to be a double celebration because not only was I going to “be” an adult, I was taking the MCAT the Friday before my birthday weekend meaning I was done studying. 

Right after I finished my exam I picked up my 2 girlfriends(E & J) and we went to the DMV so I could get my license renewed. I love the picture on the license, part of doing it big included my hair. My picture shows my hair covering most of the blue background. The three of us went on a road trip to Atlantic City, NJ and the weekend was everything I wanted it to be. 

we somehow got on a boat, still fuzzy on how

motivation

That summer was really my coming to age summer, I was so happy with everything in life and really looking forward to the future, especially with my senior year starting in two weeks. 

I can’t believe that it’s only been 3 years since then. So many huge life moments have happened, I graduated, got married, got a house and baby and got into medical school. I really should make a series of posts on that whole transition. Overtime, I got so caught up in all the life happenings and I stopped taking care of my body.

I mentioned before that we’re in our cardio block. Learning about the heart has really made me take a good look at my own health. I haven't had a consistent (2+ months) work-out regimen or any regular activity since high school. That's more than six years, which is really pitiful. How can I, as a doctor, tell patients that they need to be active when I’m not doing it myself? I have all types of excuses but none are really cutting it. I saw this picture a while ago on another blog.

This image is really hitting home right now. I want have my autonomy in my 80s and further, God willing, which means I've got to take care of my body now. It’s so much easier to prevent disorders than it is to treat them.

So I’m making this a priority. I found a fitness class I liked, since then I've gone 4 more times. It’s a really good work out and tons of fun. It's kind of like a combo dance, gymnastics and cardio workout.

The only issues with the class are the cost ($10 a session), class availability and distance. If I’m going to make this part of my fitness regimen, I need to be constant. I’m thinking of creating a home fitness environment. but I’ll need to do lots of research first. Super excited!

movie break

I went to bed at 4:30am yesterday. My daughter woke me up at 6. I asked for 5 more minutes ...for half an hour. she's going to figure out the time thing pretty soon so I'm just going to take advantage of it until then. 

Today was one of those days that frustrates me to no end. My in-laws offered to take my daughter for the night so I could study (I'm really blessed!). After classes, I came home and settled in for a long day of studying. I was motivated and feel like I've been "doing" something all day. But I have nothing to show for it. I haven't finished any one task-school or household related. Plus I didn't get to spend time with my daughter. A fail on all accounts

 

I'm frustrated. This is something I've been working on. But right now I'm going to take a break, drink a glass of wine (red for cardio block!) and watch a chick flick. Tomorrow's a new day, and who knows maybe I'll study after the movie.

S.

previously Lenten promises

This post was from this past lent, I still feel the same about a lot of it. I managed to accomplish 2 & 4 but really dropped the ball on 1, and was okay on 3. I wanted to post it as a reminder for myself. These goals aren't just limited to lent and I hope that this year I'll progress on some of them

S.

I came to the realization that I've only been coming to post a new blog when I've had a particularly mopey day. I had a completely different post that I was originally going to post, but that's really not what I want for this blog. I'll save that post for a later day. Otherwise, I've been crazy busy with school, my daughter K, and the house.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want in my life and how I'm going to get there. I have a lot of goals, but haven't really done anything to accomplish a lot of them. It's easy with life to keep putting things off, but I want to actively pursue these goals.

1. Work on my relationship with God

I'm ashamed to say that I can't remember the last time I've been to church. I really want to reflect on my spirituality, and focus on nurturing my relationship with God. I want to find an online devotional or some sort of bible study I can go through on my own. I think before I'm ready to worship with others I need to find where I stand. Since I can do this at home, I hope I'll be able to be consistent with it. If you know of any good resources please send them my way. I need all the help I can get.

2. Eating healthier

I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety/depression these past couple of months and they've led to my getting migraines again. I have a personal dislike of taking medicine and really feel like eating healthier and focusing on my health could help aleviate the migraines. I watched the Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead documentary a few weeks ago and it made  a lot of sense. I ordered this juicer and it came with free shipping! I actually just made my first juice, the mean green juice with added ciliantro and I really liked it. It's actually also really filling. I really just want to get to my high school body, doesn't everyone? That was my healthiest I've ever been. Maybe I should print out one of my pictures from then as motivation?

3. Consistently taking care of household chores. I may be able to hugely improve on this...still procrastinating

I've been letting things pile up when I get busy, but it really sucks to have a huge pile of things to do when I finally have some time to relax. I really will need to make this a conscientious decision to not slack of.

4. Stop visiting social media sites

This might be the hardest thing to implement. I plan on only allowing myself to come and make new posts here. Other than that I'll be shutting my self off from the online world. I spend entirely too much time online doing NOTHING productive, and then feeling bad about myself because I could have accomplished so much in that time. I really need to cut back again. Maybe I'll avoid them during the week? I need to think about it some more

procrastination

I'm supposed to be learning cardiology drugs right now. But I'm really good at procrastinating. So I've been shopping. and checking emails. and the news. I've reached the point where there's nothing else I need to do so here I am. It's been a while.

Life's been crazy. I survived my first year and had a blast on the summer off. The perks of my husband going to school in the Caribbean. But now I'm back to real life and missing being a family again. My daughter's growing up so fast and is such a smart, funny, energetic little girl. I'm pretty sure she's a genius, but that's probably the mama in me.

I've learnt a lot this past year, I can't do it all and it's ok. I have so many blessings in my life and I'm going to focus on them.

Here's a few pics from less stressful days of the summer

Changes

Does the title get the David Bowie song stuck in your head too? If not, have a listen

Just when I think I’ve started to figure out life, I’m thrown a curve ball. This past month and a half have been beyond hectic. So many times I’ve thought about making a new post, but I’ve either been exhausted, not felt up to it, or reeling from a new life change.

When I last posted, I was getting ready for the last two weeks of medical school before break. I was excited to be done with my first semester (eek! I’m an eighth of the way done!). Plus I was really looking forward to the two weeks I’d have off for the holidays. Not too long after my post, my husband (let’s call him Y.) got an unexpected call. He was in the middle of going through the med school application cycle and in addition to American schools we’d applied to some Caribbean schools. We already knew he’d been accepted at one of the Caribbean schools to matriculate in May 2012, and were waiting to hear back from all the other schools.

This call came from the school that he’d already been accepted to. They had some open spots for matriculation in January 2012 and wanted to know if he’d want to start a couple of months earlier. Y told the man other side that it was pretty unlikely, but that he’d get back to him by the end of the week after talking with me. The school’s spokesperson added that they’d love to see him there, plus that they’d throw in some round trip tickets given the short notice. Y. was given some contact info from people that had either gone to the school or taught there and then got off the phone. He explained the call to me, we talked for ~10 minutes about it and decided to stick with our original plans.

Now, the entire medical school application process is a demanding process. Add in a wife who’s just gotten through it all and who's IN med school, our 1 year old baby girl, the fact that my husband was completing a post bacc program at a school with a two hour commute each way and you’ve got a little taste of our lives. Chaos. We were completely burnt out over all of it and really just ready to move on to the next chapter.

The next day while I was in class, Y called me while I was in class. He’d been thinking about it all and was starting to warm up to the idea but wanted to get my opinion. I told him that I supported him in whatever decision he’d make and that we’d figure out a way through it if he went. As soon as we got off the phone, I burst into tears (in my defense, I was under exam stress). What was I going to do? How would I survive med school, with our baby, without him? How was I going to survive almost 4 years not living with him? In our five years together, we’ve never been apart for more than a week or two and even that was pretty rare. A couple of friends saw me got me some tissues, a chocolate cupcake and consoled me (thank you ladies). After a few minutes, I got myself together and finished the day with some semblance of normality.

That night, we had dinner and got my daughter into bed without much issue. After she was in bed we sat down and talked it through. We made pros and cons charts, figured out the logistics (financially and otherwise) and made a tentative decision. He was going to go. We decided to sit on the decision for a couple of more days. After it all we still felt the same way and decided to let our families know.

That began the whirl-wind that was our holiday break. We canceled the plans to visit my parents and started working on getting everything together. There was paperwork to do, all the things on our to-do list that we’d been putting off for when we had more time (ha!), and everything that comes with the holidays. I think staying busy kept me from really thinking about it and just melting down. Honestly it was one of the best holidays we’ve ever had. We managed to see all the friends we’d been missing, got a lot done around the house and just enjoyed each other’s company. It was amazing. We had some friends over for New Year’s Eve and went downtown for one last hurrah. Y’s flight was the next morning and our NYE was a perfect end to 2011. That first day wasn’t too bad, and the day after that my brothers all came down to visit. It wasn’t until after they finally left that the reality hit. I barely had enough time to think about it, I started my second semester the day after they left. There wasn’t any turning back now. We started our new chapter and it wasn’t anything like we’d imagined it would be.

So far I’ve been going with the flow. I decided I’d ride these first couple of weeks out, up until my first exam, and see how things work out. School and my daughter have kept me plenty busy and I’ve been able to see/talk to Y a lot more than I thought I would. Thank goodness for Skype and face time. My first exam is in less than a week and I’m pretty sure I’ll pass. Y’s first exam is the week after next and I’m pretty sure he’ll pass too. I’m so proud of him. He’s working so hard and I know he’ll do great. He had his white coat ceremony 2 days ago and I was able to watch it streaming online. Again, thank goodness for technology. I miss him something awful, and have days that I feel like I won’t make it. But by the next day, things always seem better. We’re so lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing support group of family and friends. We’re taking it one day at a time for now. Slow and steady wins the race right? I sure hope so.

S.